“Hmmm, let me get six large popcorns, extra butter, and a small Diet Coke. Thanks.

The top 10 list for the best movies of the year:

The past year was an odd year in film…a summer blockbuster was redefined with the likes of Inception, Little Fockers proved America could get by with a script based on one word sounding like another word and DeNiro making the DeNiro face for 90 minutes for the third time, while 3D was shoved down our throats like a cock with an unfocused hairy balls background.  Are you not entertained? Tron Legacy dazzled our minds with its visuals and well, I guess that was pretty much it. We also all collectively forgave Christian Bale for Terminator Salvation with his meth induced shaking jaw-pardon me- jaw dropping performance in The Fighter.  All in all, 2010 was an interesting year for cinema.

The best of 2010 list begins with the tenth movie and goes in descending order ending with my favorite film of 2010.

TOP TEN

10. WINTER’S BONE

Like an emotionally chilling pimple, Winter’s Bone oozes at every turn with its bleak Ozark setting and resulting eerie atmosphere that seems to lurk over every character and scene. The story of Ree Dolly, a 17 year old who has been raising  her younger brother and sister while dealing with an absent father and incapacitated mother, Winter’s Bone lets you into their world and takes a hold of you within the opening minutes and doesn’t let go.

When Ree is informed by the local sheriff that her convict father put the house up as a bail bond, she must venture into the thick of it and attempt to find the man-on-the-run while going through the seedy local criminal  organization.  Without ever letting you lose your sense of belief, the movie remains haunting and thrilling throughout. Winter’s Bone is comparable to 2004′s Mystic River in that it blends mystery and family drama which  is then heightened by the strong and excellent performances throughout. In the case of Winter’s Bone, the stellar cast includes John Hawkes as the uncle with Jennifer Lawrence’s Ree being the expectational standout. While Natalie Portman has a very good chance of winning Best Actress at the Oscars for Black Swan, it would also be just as deserving for Lawrence to win as well.

Maintaining its sense of authenticity and culture consistently, Winter’s Bone never goes off the rails but instead takes you deeper into the happenings of this girl and her world. Adapted from the 2006 novel of the same name by Daniel Woodrell, this is a film that stays with you long after you have finished watching.

9. THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT

A moving drama that blurs the line between love, friendships, and family, the Kids Are All Right is also a witty, laugh-out-loud comedy sometimes even in the same damn scene. There are no cheap shots or meaningless gross-out gags here, but warming “dramedy”, if you will, with plenty of heart to go around.

When two teenagers, who were artificially conceived by Mark fuckin’ Ruffalo (well, his character Paul), decide to bring their father back into their lives, they are unaware of  problems that will arise within the family and especially with their parents, lesbian couple Nic and Jules.

The outstanding ensemble cast including Annette Bening, Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, and the kids Mia Wasikowska and Josh Hutcherson make The Kids Are All Right one of the most well-acted, honest, and touching films of the year.

8. THE TOWN

Oh, Ben Affleck. How far you have come. Had Ben retired from acting  in, let’s say, the end 1995, he would be known for fucking emotionally vulnerable girls in very uncomfortable places (like the back of a Volkswagen, maybe?) in Mallrats,  that  movie School Ties that has every actor on earth in it, being a dick in Dazed & Confused, and that PBS mini-series The Voyage of the Mimi I had to watch in my 5th grade science class among some other work. While that is a much better career than I could ever do (I was, however, cast as “small tree #2″ in The Voyage of the Mimi II: More Voyaging), it wasn’t until 1997s critically and movie-goer acclaimed Good Will Hunting and its numerous Academy nominations (and some wins) that Affleck’s career really took off and people realized he wasn’t just “that guy” anymore.

His choice of roles after the success of co-writing and supporting Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting were uneven, to say the least. Tagged as one of the new leading men in Hollywood, he had financial success in movies such as 1998′s Armageddon, for example, but the quality of his performances (Golden Raspberry, you say?) and the movies soon took a turn for the worse. For every acceptable role, it seemed like we were bombarded with twice as much awful dreck.

A typical night after renting some movies seemed to go like this: “Hey, look, Ben Affleck can be enjoyable in some stuff.  I like him again, I think. Oh, wait. What movies did you say you rented, Pearl Harbor, Gigli, and Reindeer Games? Yeeeeeeeah, I don’t think I can watch. I have to, uh, wake up early and stuff.  Hey, wait, he was pretty damn cool in that scene in Boiler Room. Remember that? That was cool. I think I like him again. Wait, what did you say was the last movie you picked up from Blockbuster? Dare…hmm I can’t seem to make it out. Dare…Daredevil?”

Yup. That actually happened.

Remember Surviving Christmas? Exactly. This is where Ben’s career had gone.

Fast forward to 2007 and something very strange occurred. Ben had decided to mix things up for a change, and Gone Baby Gone was the result. Co-writing the screenplay and directing the movie on his own, the gritty crime-mystery film based on the Dennis Lehane novel of the same name proved that Ben Affleck really is extremely talented, dammit. Affleck had found his true calling, and the film was easily one of my favorites of the year.

Fast forward, one more time, to 2010. Next up on the plate was The Town, a thriller set yet again in crime riddled Boston, adapted from the Chuck Hogan novel, Prince of Thieves. Gone Baby Gone was no fluke, as this new film written, directed, and starring Affleck was so damn awesome it made us forget that we forgot about Surviving Christmas.

Affleck plays Doug, a career criminal with his lifelong friends from the dirty streets of Charlestown where committing heists are as common as taking your dog for a walk. Not long after a badass bank job in which they temporarily hold the bank manager, Claire, hostage, Doug is taken aback by feelings for the very woman he had just totally skeeved out with a crazy mask on while robbing the shit out of her. While trying to start a relationship as a normal dude with Claire, Doug and his friends are being hunted by an FBI agent played by Mad Men’s Jon Hamm.

What The Town does so masterfully is give us scenes as thrilling, action packed, and well done as any movie before it but with characters and resulting situations we actually care about. By fleshing out the stories of not only Doug but the supporting roles as well, we are given a great movie with gripping action scenes, not merely cool action scenes with a shitty story and useless sub-plots thrown in for good measure. This is no easy task, yet The Town somehow delivers on all levels thanks to the same guy who made somebody’s head explode only a few paragraphs before.

7. SHUTTER ISLAND

Ruffalo, again? This list is turning into a Mark Ruffalo love-fest which is fitting, since he is one of the most likable and gifted actors working today. He is one of the few guys who can star in 13 Going on 30 and Just Like Heaven and we don’t really mind, especially because he always comes back to roles in excellent films like Zodiac, You Can Count on Me, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and in the case of 2010, The Kids Are All Right and Shutter Island.

Set in 1954, Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo play two U.S. Marshals investigating the disappearance of a woman from a mental hospital for the criminally insane on Shutter Island, which, for the record,  ranks second worst in vacationing destinations losing only to the island on Lost.

The film is based on the mind-blowing 2003 novel of the same name from Dennis Lehane, author of the addicting Kenzie-Genarro detective novels, other standalone works (such as Shutter Island and Mystic River which are not related to the Detective series), and three episodes of quite possibly the best American drama to ever grace television, The Wire. Hollywood is now 3-for-3 on adapting his novels to the big screen (Mystic River; 2003,  Gone Baby Gone; 2007,  and Shutter Island; 2010).

When Shutter Island was initially announced, it was a minor miracle in the making for me. A dream come true, I eagerly anticipated what Martin Scorsese and Leo could do with the novel from perhaps my favorite modern fiction author. After a move from October 2009 to February 2010, the film was finally released. Thankfully, Shutter Island delivered quality in spades.

While the twists and turns were less evident in the book, the film captured the creepy, strange and uneasy paranoia vibe that was so gloriously portrayed on every page of the novel. Shutter Island, as a film, is an orgy of striking visuals, frightening and beautiful music perfectly selected by The Band’s Robbie Roberston, and strong performances throughout all combined together to form a throwback mystery that could even make Alfred Hitchcock smile or better yet, slowly emerge from the shadows and give a stare of approval.

6. TRUE GRIT

And to think, we all thought the American Western was dead. As it turns out, it was only sleeping,  most likely passed out in a drunken stupor in some forgotten saloon somewhere. Thankfully, it snores really loud and woke itself up on December 22nd with the release of True Grit. Not a remake of the 1969 John Wayne classic, the Coen Brother’s True Grit is a  second adaption of the 1968 Charles Portis novel. More faithful to the book than the 1969 incarnation, this version of True Grit relies more on the point-of-view of Mattie Ross instead of putting Rooster Cogburn as the center of attention. And, behold, what a protagonist we have in young Mattie  portrayed by then 13 year-old Hailee Steinfeld. Jeff Bridges as Rooster Cogburn and a supporting cast of Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, and a brief but awesomely memorable performance from Barry Pepper give us quite possibly the most solid  modern cast we could ever ask for given the material, but they are all upstaged by Steinfeld’s intelligent and courageous yet stubborn Mattie Ross.

After her father is murdered by the coward Tom Chaney, Mattie enlists resident badass and U.S. Marshal Rooster Cogburn to track down the man after being told that Cogburn is the most cutthroat and merciless of potential Marshals to do the job. While that was just like, his opinion, man, she is convinced Cogburn is the man who can truly set things right.

With some of the most finely crafted dialogue of the year (the merchant scene, for example, comes to mind), Carter Burwell’s perfectly fitting score and absolutely gorgeous cinematography from Roger Deakins that lets us revel in the beauty of the old West, True Grit doesn’t just revive the American Western by being the best since 2003′s Open Range but is a marvel all its own.

5. 127 HOURS

The true story of mountain climber/adventure seeker, Aron Ralston, who was trapped in Canyonlands National Park in Utah when a boulder crushed his arm, should not work as a full length film. As a story to tell your friends? Sure. As an article in a magazine or paper? Of course. Segment on a news show? Yup. But even with the relative short running-time of 94 minutes, this movie really shouldn’t be good, and especially not this good. Yet, James Franco and director Danny Boyle created one of the most well made, intense, and deeply reflective films in years.

For those that don’t know the outcome of the story, you can skip over to the next movie on the list although I am sure that mostly everyone knows what ended up happening.

The film is a rarity, in which the story can be inspirational without giving the audience a typical hero or really any hero figure at all. Ralston’s actions weren’t meant to be heroic and certainly aren’t glorified here. Instead, he did what he had to do, what had to be done in order to survive. While the cutting off of the arm could be considered the climax (and boy is it brutal), the film shines brightest when Alston is stuck. The physical and mental anguish that Alston endures is shown full force: the sad realization of how much water he has left, his body starting to give out on him and all along what is going through his head: everything from the biggest regret to the tiniest detail in the back of his mind.

Boyle turns all of this into a tale of riveting suspense and self reflection that should surely exceed anyone’s expectations, especially with Franco’s genuine portrayal displaying  just how much the human spirit can take.

4. THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Generation Y can be described fairly easily, they just don’t get Reality Bites. What is the deal with Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawke? And what does irony really mean?

No, really. Generation Y can be described as having a few key traits: firstly, they are as tech-savvy as can be. While previous generations grew up living through technology advancements-specifically computer, phones and the like-Generation Y was born already holding a Blackberry out of the womb, updating their facebook status to “ok srsly wut the HELL did the doctor just cut off me??”.  This will only continue as more people come into this world with future generations. Computers, phones, and other gadgets aren’t anything special to Gen-Y, they have always been there when growing up. Gone are the days of telling someone off to their face, now you can simply text, e-mail, and post on their facebook wall all at the same time that you think they smell. Y does not see technology as helpful or a bonus, they rely on it for everything.

Secondly, more so than any generation, Y is never truly contented with what they have. They want bigger and better, they want more. That TV is big but it’s not big enough, it’s not 3D enough. You have that phone? That phone sucks. Your phone came out yesterday. My phone came out…tomorrow.

Lastly, they are led to believe, also more so than any other generation, that they can accomplish any goal or achievement they set their minds to. Whether it’s from being nurtured and pampered by parents or something else, they are running around like a bunch of Scarfaces thinking the world is theirs, if they want it. They want it, alright, and they want it by any means necessary.

The Social Network is not merely “that Facebook movie,” but, actually, a film that encompasses all of what defines the  present generation of people making a difference, good or bad. More than a simple story of the founding of a social networking site that became a global phenomenon, it is an examination of the characters and what is inside so many of us and what it all really means: are we really advancing or actually declining?

With a sharp-as-a-knife script by Aaron Sorkin, downright perfect direction from David Fincher, an original score from Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross so good it’s kind of scary, and very good performances all around especially from Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerburg, The Social Network moves at a rapid fire rate and is as absorbing as any movie this year.  I believe that The Social Network will be held up high for years to come as  one of the movies, if not the movie to define this generation. Pretty damn good, especially for a guy who started off by directing Rick Springfield and Paula Abdul music videos.

3. INCEPTION

If there was ever a way to follow up The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan sure got it right with Inception. At 142 minutes, there is never a dull moment in the film. In fact, Inception doesn’t just want you to pay attention, it is the movie equivalent of getting karate kicked in the face for almost 2 and half hours. Awesome, exciting, and innovative karate kicks. 

Inception and I have a mutual relationship. I want to see it over and over and it begs me to do so. In the film, Leonardo DiCaprio stars as Cobb, the master of slicking back his hair. He’s also pretty good at using technology to enter the mind through people’s dreams to implant ideas, I guess. While the movie isn’t as confusing as some make it out to be, it does, however, keep you on your toes throughout all of it, never letting your mind wander. It can be challenging not because it is confusing or doesn’t make sense, but because you are tying to wrap your mind around the fact that this is actually happening on the screen. Inception does not simply blow one’s mind with its bigger than life dream world and dazzling special effects or adrenaline filled action scenes, it first bends your mind, breaks it, then blows it up.

One can’t help but be glued to the screen as the movie unfolds, and then have all of what you saw run around your head, back and forth, long after you finished the film. When walking out of the theater, my immediate thought was that I wanted to see it in IMAX, I wanted to get it on blu-ray, I wanted to take it out to dinner. Fresh and breaking new ground in what an epic blockbuster can be, Inception is in a league of its own.

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR INCEPTION AHEAD

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As for the ending, here is my take. Cobb’s totem, the top, spins then leans a bit before continuing to spin as the end credits cut the scene off. Just like Nolan’s Memento, there is no clear and definitive answer. No final truth or intended answer to be found. You could argue to the death one way or the other about whether it was dream or reality, but the only truth is that  it’s uncertain.  Had Nolan wanted us to know either of them to be true, then that is how it would have been. I could watch the movie 1,000 times and never know and that is the way it was intended to be.

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END OF SPOILERS

2. TOY STORY 3

My most anticipated movie of the year by far, Toy Story 3 did not disappoint which is quite the feat considering as a general rule, second sequels don’t just suck but most of the time are absolutely horrid.

No, really. They are.

Toy Story 3 not only throws that silly rule away like a snake in its boot, but goes to infinity and beyond in-alright I’ll stop with the references now.Toy Story 3 is a fitting finale to, yes, I’ll say it, one of the most consistently great series in cinema. They aren’t just good in their own right, but each installment is arguably the best one of the bunch.

In the third outing, Andy is all grown up and leaving for college. Due to a mix up, the gang of toys are  not put in the attic but instead taken to a tangible hell on earth, a shady day care center that is not how it seems. It is up to Woody, the trustworthy and reliable veteran, to break the fuck out of there and get to the bottom of it all, convincing the other toys that they were not, in fact, abandoned by their faithful owner.

What easily could have been a rehash of the same old shit, Toy Story 3 is  fresh and funny for a person of any age while maintaining an emotional edge that matches and even possibly surpasses the maturity of recent Pixar fare like Up and Wall-E, or any movies, really. Not simply a fun escape story, Toy Story 3 mixes comedy, the excitement of adventure, and most importantly good ol’ fashioned emotions anybody could relate to in order to get its point across. There is indeed an end to everything, and we all, at some point, have to let go of our childhood and the life that is familiar to us. It can live on in our hearts and memories, but life does not wait for us to be ready. We simply have to do the best we can. We have to understand, or better yet, accept what is in store for us. But, then again, at the end of it all is the beginning of something new, something else.

Toy Story 3 truly has it all: humor, heart, characters we love, villains we love to hate, and messages we all can relate to. I couldn’t have asked for a better movie or a more proper send off. Here’s to hoping “Toy Story 4: Andy is Drunk and on Drugs…THE COLLEGE YEARS” never happens.

1. BLACK SWAN

And in one moment, I would like to believe that the whole theater turned to each other after the end to Black Swan and collectively asked, “what the FUCK just happened?”

What the fuck just happened, indeed. While 2007′s The Wrestler let the audience act as a fly-on-the-wall as the events unfolded with gritty and authentic precision, Darren Aronofsky’s follow up, Black Swan, is the opposite. Hypnotic and surreal, each scene in Black Swan melts into the next, keeping you in a trance like you are watching a beautiful car wreck, simultaneously terrifying and fascinating. Each and every scene is more intense and melodramatic than the last, and you get more and more engrossed because you are in a fucking trance. At one point I thought I smelled pee from everybody around who couldn’t help but let it go because they were so on edge. Or it could have smelled like that because I totally peed my pants right before the movie. Either way, there was tons of pee and the film was insane.

Natalie Portman killed it as Nina, a shy but competitive ballerina fighting for the lead role in Swan Lake, attempting to play both the innocent White Swan and sensual and oh so bad Black Swan. While she is perfect for the White Swan, she can’t seem to get a hold of the mind set of the Black Swan, meanwhile Lily (Mila Kunis), another ballerina in the company, has the Black Swan down to a science. Completely consumed with dance and not only trying to get the role but perfect it, Nina’s world is flipped upside down….a few hundred thousand times.

Before she knows it, her life becomes less like the White Swan and mirrors the Black Swan and her ways. Much like Roman Polanski’s  psychological-thriller masterpiece, Repulsion, Nina and the audience aren’t sure what is real or not, and just how far she will go. Blurring  the lines between the surreal, reality, and downright batshit crazy, Black Swan never spells anything out for you but takes your hand, claws the shit out of it, and brings you deeper and deeper into the downward spiral. Black Swan, in the end, can be seen as a cross between the excellent 1948 version of The Red Shoes (if it was made in hell), Polanski’s Repulsion, and the worst fucking nightmare you ever had.

Everything from Portman’s layered performance to the chilling score and explosive ending are virtually perfect, somehow deeply disturbing yet incredibly exciting at the same time. Unlike anything I had seen all year, it is with ease that I recommend Black Swan as my favorite film of 2010.

Remember, you can click the symbol to the right of “HD” to watch the video in full screen. Comments on this site are greatly appreciated. If you haven’t seen the first four, you can watch them here:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

UPDATE:

Thank you to everybody who watched the new video in the Life & Times of a Skinny Perverted Scumbag series. Here are some outtakes and bloopers from the footage. We had a really fun time making it, so enjoy.

When I originally told people I was going to Bonnaroo, they basically responded in three different ways:

1)      “That’s really cool!”

2)      “Bonna-WHO!?”

3)      “Who are you and why are you telling me this? Please move over and take your hand off my leg.”

For the readers that don’t know, the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival is, well, just that. First held in 2001 most likely in celebration that we recently survived Y2K, the camping festival features a diverse selection of drugs, music, drugs, comedy, the cruel sun, and drugs spread out amongst 1.5 zillion acres (citation needed) on a farm in Manchester, Tennessee. Vendors, crafts, and more drugs round out the festivities. Named one of the “50 Moments That Changed the History of Rock and Roll” by Rolling Stone and “totally far out, man” from that white dude with dreadlocks you know, the festival is both heaven and hell on Earth for four days a year.

Going into the festival as a Bonnaroo-virgin, I read up and heard stories on what to expect but I knew the usual preparation of deep reflection meditation and stealth martial arts meant nothing when I would step foot on the grounds of Tennessee. Before reaching the sacred land, I knew that I had a car ride from New York that would seem like an eternity and a half in store. I attempted to prepare by loading my ipod up with stuff I probably wouldn’t listen to when the time came and bringing a few books that would sit in the bottom of my bag, and I was on my way.

The car ride seemed to be taking forever, then I realized that I hadn’t left my driveway yet.  Starting out with two buddies, we drove a bit out of the way to pick up another friend. Finally, we were on the real journey. The car ride was an intense experience: full of Louis C.K. stand-up albums and deep conversation such as, “hey, was that a Cracker Barrel?”

Stopping at a Cracker Barrel in the south seemed like the right thing to do, and the time spent there proved to be much more rewarding than any CB’s I had been to in New York. While I expected someone to rip the plug for the jukebox out of the wall and everyone to collectively stare at us when we walked in while someone somewhere stroked their beard, the place was instead full of good vibes. Full of pictures of what seemed like slaves and ghost babies from the 1800s, the atmosphere was relaxing and the grits were cooked to perfection.

Back on the road, things went fairly smoothly. Our GPS with an Australian accent led the way while our sense of excitement grew. Stopping off one last time for gas, I was asked by the girl at the counter if I wanted to attend the Riverbend Festival. “You should come,” she said in a southern drawl. “It’s not fun and there are a lot of kids running around everywhere. Sheryl Crow will be there.” I was sold, but there wasn’t enough time to run around with the kids that day. Father time doesn’t wait for Sheryl Crow to sing that one song with Kid Rock, and I didn’t want to be late for Bonnaroo. Enough was enough. No more stops, we had to now drive straight through to Manchester.

“Manchester is, like, so nice this time of year, guys.”

Upon entering the town eventually, our bodies were showing signs of being cooped up in a car for a day straight. Finally free from the car prison, we perked up a little bit. Getting there a full day before the festival began, we had nothing to do but a last second beer run at Wal-Mart (more like Wal-Fart, am I right???) and eat lunch. By the time late in the night when we were waiting in traffic to be let into our campsite, the rain that had been going since the beginning of time finally let up and turned into a slight drizzle.

What traffic without your glasses on may look like

It didn’t matter that we had to wait a few more hours in the car, we were finally there. Reaching the camping grounds was a beautiful sight, except for the ocean of mud and evil that surrounded everything.

“Are you guys having fun yet!?!?”

Bad moods suddenly began to creep up on us. We hadn’t truly slept in a day straight, and now we were setting up the tent in the aftermath of the perfect storm. Coming from the porta-potty back to the site, I encountered a mote of mud and water around our section of the camp site. “This is it, Andrew” I said to myself in my head. “This is your time to shine. You have been waiting for this your whole life. You always knew you had strong legs. Let yourself soar. Believe you can fly and you will.” I leapt across the mud, majestically I floated in the air while for a total of two seconds, all of the planets aligned, 2-Pac was still alive, and peace on earth was possible. Then I fell on my ass backwards in the mud, slowly sinking while a group of guys with dreadlocks pointed and screamed. The second in command howled like a wolf while the leader screamed “Bonnarooooo!” at the night sky. The henchman, of course, and everyone around them finished it off with “rooooooooooooooooooooo” before trailing off.  Bonnaroo had officially begun.

Back in the tent now, our enthusiasm remained somewhere deep in our souls while our shitty-mood vibes sat on top. I was still excited for what was to come, but being soaked in a southern mud paste only moments before and functioning off zero sleep certainly put a damper on the night. It was then that I decided I would copy a speech from Lost, because that’s what people are supposed to do when they are stuck at a crossroads. I explained that while the trip started off fun and now we were basically stressed out zombies, we had to make the best of it. We came to see some great music and have fun, and now all we were doing were getting pissed at the smallest things.

“This pillow is too SMALL, dammit. FUCK!”

It was time to make a decision… we could either “live together or die alone.”  Being at Bonnaroo was a lot like being on the island: everyone was stuck there no matter what, and the unexpected was around every corner. “We need to just let go of everything else and have the best time possible,” I said while gently wiping mud off my butt. Thankfully, they agreed.

The next morning, we were ready for the festivities to come. I was woken up around 6:00 AM by the angry sun raping my body and mind. Sleeping in a pool of sweat and grime, I decided it was best to try and go back to sleep in my own filth. The sun was none too pleased.

“I said wake up, BITCH.”

By 6:30 AM, I was fully awake. Any more sleeping was out of the question, and the conversation between my friend and a fellow camping neighbor had me hooked. The neighbor insisted that Fruity Pebbles are “more valuable than pot here, mannnn.”  I am not sure what happened next, but I assumed his head ballooned up to a gigantic size and he flew up into the clouds, never to be seen again.

After a vigorous tooth brushing and a change of clothes, I was ready to go.  Finally, I was going to see some music. I really had no clue what was in store for me. We walked around for a bit, taking everything in.

Pictured: Hugo Reyes

Now, let’s fast forward to Friday night for a little bit…

Friday 06-11-10

The Flaming Lips (Which Stage): Skipping Kings of Leon in order to get a good spot for The Flaming Lips seemed like a good idea at the time, but I wasn’t prepared for what was to come. We got there about two and a half hours early and secured a spot against the middle barricade, dead center, about 15 or 20 feet from the stage. As great as getting in the front can be, The Flaming Lips have such face-melting visuals that we wanted to be standing back a tiny bit so we could take it all in. With this spot, I could see everything. I’m not the tallest person in the world and even if R2D2 was in front of me, I probably couldn’t see very well.

“Hey! Down in front, asshole!”

With the exception of Conan O’Brien earlier in the day, we had been standing for most of Friday, so sitting down on the ground felt like heaven. By the time the show had started, I was completely reenergized and ready to go. Still, I was unaware of the pure awesomeness that was about to unfold. The show started off with the huge screen showing a naked chick. Obviously, she gave birth to the band and they came out onto stage. Frontman Wayne Coyne, not wanting to have anything but a great time, came into the crowd in an inflatable ball. Amidst cannons shooting confetti, a light show turning my life upside down, and videos on the screen that would make even Stan Brakhage say “cool” (if he wasn’t dead), the band kicked so much ass that it basically rendered anything else  in my life I would think was awesome as only mildly awesome from now on.

(not my video but it’s fucking awesome)

Hovering above the crowd, there was a big enough storm cloud of sex, drugs, and rock n roll to make all of Motley Crue shed a tear or two. At one point, my friends and I were completely hypnotized by the show in front of us. Naturally, a voodoo-looking hippie placed himself all up in our grills. After an ear splitting tribal scream, he held up something in his hand and proceeded to blow the smoke of the ancients into our faces. After a one song delayed reaction, I turned to my friends to say “what the FUCK just happened!?” Someone next to us then said, “Hey, man. I think that was opium.” Of course it was.

The only experience I’ve ever had with a master of voodoo

For the first hour, the Flaming Lips played their own material to a partying crowd. As my friend described, it felt like euphoria. As the god damn opium kicked in, the band came back out to play Dark Side of the Moon in its entirety. Let me repeat that sentence: As the god damn opium kicked in, the band came back out to play Dark Side of the Moon in its entirety. While the first set felt like euphoria, Dark Side of the Moon shifted the feeling to pure paranoia. At one point, in the dark, my friend looked down to check on his book bag. Since checking for book bags on opium is not recommended, he couldn’t see anything and assumed that it had been sucked into a black hole in the ground.

Schedule II narcotic or no schedule II narcotic, the Flaming Lips were one of the best concert-going experiences I’ve had. So much, in fact, that the day I got back from Bonnaroo, we purchased tickets to see them again next month.  Now, let’s rewind and go back to when all the music started…

Thursday 06-10-10

The Postelles (That Tent): First up on the agenda were the New York City pop-rock band, The Posttelles. I thought I had recognized the name (it’s possible I only recognized the name from the schedule), but definitely hadn’t heard a song before. Interested in checking out some new music, we went. After the first song in their catchy set of poppy rock n’roll, I was completely ready to have a good time for the rest of the weekend. It was very apparent that the rest of the crowd felt the same way. So excited I couldn’t take it, I reached into my pocket to pull out some Fruity Pebbles to snort, obviously. Sadly, I had none left. I asked around if I could score some, but nobody was holding. Some had Cocoa Pebbles, but let’s get serious here, it’s just not the same.

Baroness (The Other Tent): Next up were stoner-metal band Baroness. Yet another group I had heard about but never listened to. I instantly wanted to go when one friend described them as, “southern dudes with big beards who play sludge metal.” I had already started walking towards the stage when I heard “big beards.” You may not think about it all the time, but sooner or later it crosses everyone’s mind…”gee, I haven’t seen any big ol’ beard in a long time.” My wish was granted by a bunch of southern Vikings.

It’s safe to say they rocked my face off, and definitely would have rocked my beard off if I had one at the time. It may not be something I’d turn up while taking it easy on a Sunday afternoon, but I definitely dug Baroness. I would have liked if I could have injected Fruity Pebbles direction into my veins via a long-ass needle, but once again nobody was holding.

Manchester Orchestra (The Other Tent): Third up on Thursday were Manchester Orchestra, a band I was already acquainted with. After jumping around to The Postelles and rocking out to the technical wizards Baroness, Manchester Orchestra provided a good time to sit against the outer wall and relax. I was a casual fan, and preferred to use this time to rest up for the remaining shows of the night. Manchester Orchestra may not have blown me away like Beard-O-Ness before them, but I still had a good time taking it easy for an hour or so listening to some sloppy indie-rock.

Neon Indian (That Tent): Thursday was the day to try out new music, and none had me excited more than Neon Indian. The nighttime had finally crept up on Bonnaroo, and I was in the mood for what my friend described as, “crazy but chill beats you can groove to.” Since my ass was in great need of some serious grooving, I wanted to get up close and be surrounded by the crowd and atmosphere.  The Neon Indian show proved to be the most fun of the night. I wasn’t sure if everyone was already familiar with the music or just having such a great time they couldn’t help but be so into it. Either way, everyone was having a most triumphant time. Amongst a haze of smoke and second hand cocaine, the crowd didn’t stop moving and dancing for the duration of the whole set.

Blitzen Trapper (The Other Tent): Two of my friends hadn’t heard Blitzen Trapper before. I knew we wouldn’t get to see the whole set if we wanted to make the next act, but I liked what I had of theirs (especially the album Furr) and wanted to check it out. We saw the first hour or so while sitting back in the grass. I liked what I heard, and would definitely be interested in seeing a full show from them in the future.

The xx (That Tent): After so much ass shaking during the day, Blizten Trapper was a good time to sit back.  Now it was time to get lost in the music again. The xx, as I hoped, were a nice and mellow follow up. The album I have of theirs isn’t the most energetic music in the world, but Radiohead is one of my favorite bands so I wasn’t complaining especially after the grooving marathon that was Neon Indian. The gloomy and intimate show ended up being another highlight of the day.

Friday 06-11-10

Conan O’Brien (Cinema Tent): I was excited when Conan was added to the comedy lineup, especially after I missed out on seeing him at Radio City. Sadly, we didn’t get tickets to the comedy tent after waiting around for a few hours. In fact, the cut off for when it “sold out” happened with only about 15 or so more people in front of us on line. Fortunately, we did get tickets to the cinema tent which featured a live feed and air conditioning, a godsend after spending every waking hour getting destroyed by the merciless sun. Sitting in the cinema tent for an hour or so with some hilarious entertainment was the perfect way to recharge our batteries (the batteries in our soul, not our cell phones and ipods. They had a station for that).

Damian Marley & Nas (What Stage): Since the first day featured just the tents, Damian Marley and Nas were my first trip to the main stage. Standing in the sun may have felt as pleasant as being fingered by Freddy Krueger, but their set was so much fun it didn’t really matter. I was excited for this show, especially since I had never seen the Queens native in person. They switched off between songs together and their solo work, and I wouldn’t have minded staying for the whole time. But, we left a little early in order to secure a good spot for The National.

The National (Which Stage): I had already seen The National twice before, but they are one of my personal favorite bands and no other show during the weekend had me more excited. Some complain they aren’t lively enough in person, but as a friend pointed out and I agree: it’s more of the too cool to have a good time crowd that frequents their shows (at least in the New York area). Thankfully, the crowd at Bonnaroo, as always, were ready to have a good time. From the start of Start a War up until the closing songs of Mr. November, Terrible Love, and About Today, The National had the crowd in high spirits. After their set ended, my friend and I turned to each other saying the same thing: “that was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen.” Frontman Matt Berninger and the rest of the band seemed to be having as good of a time as the rest of the crowd.

I got this silkscreen poster as well, made special for the Bonnaroo show. Numbered 83/100:

Tenacious D (What Stage): While I would have liked to see their whole set, we got to catch the last 45 minutes or so and I didn’t mind considering how incredible The National were only minutes before. Tenacious D were exactly what I expected and hoped for: an energetic, funny, and rocking good time. Jack Black, sweaty as all fuck, is one hell of a performer.

Dawes (Troo Music Lounge): We decided earlier in the day to skip the Friday night headliners Kings of Leon in order to get a good spot for The Flaming Lips at midnight. Luckily, Dawes were performing early enough that we could see them and still get to our spots for the Lips in time. My two friends weren’t familiar with the band, but I convinced them to go. I said that their debut was great and that I had heard nothing but incredible stuff about them in concert. Also, they had recently opened for Josh Ritter, the only other man I love as much as Bob Dylan and Neil Young. When we first arrived to the small location for Dawes, I was as excited as could be. Just like with The National, we had gotten front row. The difference was that with Dawes, there was no stage but just a barricade separating us from the band.

I expected good things, but I once again wasn’t prepared for how awesome it truly would be. For an hour straight, Dawes rocked our fucking faces off.

Moments later, he opened his mouth to reveal fangs and ripped our hearts out while doing a guitar solo

They seemed incredibly happy to be there and really into the fact that we and everyone else were so into it as well. The next day, we got to meet them. The time for when they were signing stuff had ended but we had just arrived. The woman told us we had to leave but my friend yelled to them how awesome they were. They laughed and pointed at us and the woman told us we could go over. Just like during the show, they were very nice and seemed genuinely happy we enjoyed their music so much. I hope these guys blow up, as in get really popular and noticed…not die in a horrible explosion.

If you are in the New York area, please check out their FREE show in July.

Saturday 06-12-10

Norah Jones (Which Stage): Feeling exhausted from the day before and working on a combined six or seven hours of sleep for the past two days, I sat down on the grass for most of Norah Jones. It was a rewarding move and her music let some much needed relaxation occur. Her mellow set was a good prelude to the craziness that would follow.

The Avett Brothers (Which Stage): Another one of the smaller bands I was excited to see at the Roo. I’ve been a fan for about three or four years now, but never saw them in prison (I wanted to write “person,” but wrote “prison” instead. I like the typo so much I don’t want to change it). The fun crowd at the Which Stage was a nice addition to their foot-stomping set of folk-rock.  During the end, we got up quite close in order to get a good spot for Weezer who would take the stage next.

Weezer (Which Stage): Even though I had heard their newer setlists weren’t just riddled with the newer material, I couldn’t help but have mixed expectations for Weezer. I hadn’t seen them since 2001, and after the release of the Green Album,  they had released, in my eyes, one fairly good album (Maladroit) and three mostly shitty ones minus some songs here and there. I still think Rivers Cuomo’s solo albums of demo material are better than most Weezer stuff post-Pinkerton. Still, I wanted to at least attempt to have an open mind for the show.

Weezer did not disappoint. I was unsure, at first, of how I felt about Rivers being strictly a front man with no guitar, but being front row yet again and seeing him act like a complete and total dork was fun. To my delight, Rivers did play some guitar and they did bust out about half the Blue Album and one track off the almighty Pinkerton. The setlist did contain more of the newer stuff as well, but it didn’t matter….it was all fun. To finish off the show, they ended with a cover of MGMT’s Kids leading into Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. Rivers may have donned a Gaga-like wig at the end to look more the part, but I thought he resembled Garth from Wayne’s World a tiny bit more.

I could have sworn we took pictures of the show, but the camera didn’t have any when we checked later on. It’s very possibly we never made it to Weezer and were still at The Flaming Lips the night before, drooling and standing in the same place.

What Weezer may or may not have looked like

Stevie Wonder (What Stage): We missed the opening of Stevie Wonder due to the massive human traffic jam from Weezer. For about twenty minutes, I was sandwiched between other people who smell just as bad as me, taking baby steps in the mud towards the light. When we finally reached the new sea of people who smell equally as bad, we attempted to make our way down to the stage. For the first time during the weekend, it wasn’t so easy to get through the crowd. Everyone seemed to be trying to do exactly what we were doing: attempting to get as close as possible for Stevie Wonder and at the same time, gaining a great spot for Jay-Z who was on next. During the fifth or so minute of being backed up against a hot dog truck and feeling some dude’s sweat drip off his body onto mine, I decided getting up close maybe wasn’t such a great idea. For most of Stevie Wonder, I sat back on the grass. I could still see, I just wasn’t down in the pit. Stevie Wonder was a fun time but I didn’t mind being a bit far back for it.

Jay-Z (What Stage): During Stevie Wonder, I had regained my energy once again. Before Jay-Z went on, I went back into the sea of people and made my way much closer. I was happy I did since Jay-Z’s entire set played out like one big party in the crowd. While I do like the guy, he’s not my usual cup of tea. It didn’t matter though, and his time on stage was one of the most fun times of the weekend. The guy is one hell of a performer, and knows how to command a crowd like none other.

Sunday 06-13-10

Aziz Ansari (Comedy Theatre): We missed out on seeing Conan in person on both Friday and Saturday, so we really didn’t want to miss out on Aziz. While I was excited to see Conan do his whole shtick with songs and videos and what not, I was even more thrilled to see some straight-up stand up comedy. Maybe it was because of the feeling the air conditioning caused, or the fact that we were all delirious by this point, and probably just because he was that damn good, but Aziz Ansari was absolutely hilarious. For an hour, he did new material and killed it. By this point, everyone was pretty much dead. Like a car running on empty, we were using whatever we had left to get by. Aziz managed to lift the spirits of everyone in attendance. By the time we were walking out, we felt like new people. Then the cruel sun got really fucking mad and bitch slapped us the second we left the tent and got back outside.

“hahahaha. You are all my bitches”

John Fogerty (What Stage): As much as I wanted to see all of Ween on the Which Stage, I just had to stay for all of John Fogerty’s set. I don’t know about my friends, but I was happy as hell to see the guy. Brought up on Creedence Clearwater Revival, Fogerty was one of my most anticipated shows of the weekend. Playing mostly CCR mixed in with some solo stuff and covers, Fogerty rocked my sweaty and disgusting socks right off my feet. I even called my mother to tell her what I was witnessing. I’m a dork, but I had to. As a young lad, she showed me the light that isvCCR, and I am eternally grateful. Somehow, somehow, The Dude abides.

Ween (Which Stage): Ween are that rare band of talented musicians who defy any standard genre. They aren’t weird because they try too hard, but instead are just a group of oddball guys that really like to make music. I would have liked to see the whole show, but John Fogerty shoving rock n’roll down my throat was too good to leave early. Still, I was more than happy to see a little bit of Ween than no Ween at all.

Phoenix (Which Stage): For the third time (not including Dawes), we got front row. I loved the albums I had of Phoenix, and their catchy brand of modern alternative-rock was the exact type of show I wanted to get up front for. Yet again, I was in heaven and Phoenix did not disappoint. Their set was fun, loud as fuck, and another highlight of the weekend. At one point, I actually checked my ears to make sure they weren’t bleeding. They were. (They weren’t. But it would be a whole lot cooler if they were).

Dave Matthews Band (What Stage): Before Sunday, I hadn’t seen Dave Matthews Band in five years. Since then, their style of live shows has changed a bit. Contrary to what some may think, they do not simply play the same songs over and over and like any great band, their style does not remain the same. With that said, I was surprised and happy how easy it was for me to get into the newer material. Sure, the real fun came when they played the songs I had listened to 1,000 times during the 90s and early 2000s, but the show as a whole was quite great and a fitting closer for the weekend. The inclusion of Dave covering Neil Young’s classic, the Needle and The Damage Done was a nice touch.

Walking back to the campsite for the last time, we felt a sense of accomplishment. Amidst the crowd, cheers of “WE DID IT!” could be heard all around. Not only did we see some great music and have an amazing time, but we survived. It didn’t matter if it was the intense sun, long lines for water, or some shitty mud…we braved through it with high spirits having the best time possible. I may have gotten back at 7 in the morning the next day and had to work, but it was worth it. All of it was worth it. Especially when we stopped off to get gas and some food at Burger King (more like Booger King, am I right!???), and I saw on my receipt that I had apparently been served food by…

Yes.

While looking for videos, I stumbled upon this so I might as well post it:

Thanks for reading. All pictures (with the exception of the obvious ones like Papa Shango, Garth, etc. were photographed by either me or James Gethins). If you want to share your own Bonnaroo experiences, feel free to leave a comment.

Also, I have to hand it for Timex for making some great watches. “Timex- takes a licking and keeps on ticking.” The strap was in pieces by the end of the weekend (I may have possibly tried to eat it during The Flaming Lips) but the actual watch part still works fine. A licking, indeed.

As some of you may know, my goal with this website is fairly simple: give some absurd insight into movies or music while being able to entertain you. Yes, YOU. So far, so good. However, some people have asked me over the years to share my favorite films. Quite a few of my personal favorites have been expressed time and time again while others are known to the select few. Well, here they are…hopefully in the future I can add other films to the list as well. The 5th list for example won’t necessarily be any more important than the 1st or 10th, since they are all, collectively, my favorite films. If anything sparks your interest, give them a rent!

[listed by decade with the director and year in parentheses. The order of any of the films aren't important.]

1930s

It Happened One Night (Dir. Frank Capra, 1934): While director Frank Capra may currently be best known among casual movie-goers for having the first name “Frank” and making It’s a Wonderful Life, his forte wasn’t always depressing the fuck out of everyone before making us cry tears of joy. Instead, he was an expert at the screwball comedy: the granddaddy of romantic comedies. The screwball comedy isn’t what the name suggests as in it simply isn’t a fat guy with a mustache falling down some stairs…over and over again. In short, it’s how to be romantic and still have oodles of fun to go along with it. Do people still have oodles of anything anymore? They should.

Usually, the plot of a screwball includes two people: perfect for each other even though every single problem seems to get in the way. Sound familiar? This doesn’t lead to the two future lovers talking it out over a delightful 1/2 burrito from Taco Hell, but instead battling out their feelings in the craziest situations possible. It Happened One Night is the king of them of all: the tale of a young woman, Ellie, wanting to get out of her current silver spoon/socialite life provided by her father, decides to run away only to meet none other than Peter, a down on his luck (and out of work, drunk as fuck) newspaper reporter played by Clark Gable (most notable for being known as the toughest human being to ever walk the earth). They attempt a road trip and you could have guessed it…hilarity ensues. The audience becomes that one annoying person in the theater, screaming out the obvious…”What are you two doing!?!? You should be together!”

They will, of course. Just let the craziest situations play out first. Some advice for my readers, if you are ever  deciding to stay in on Valentine’s Day with that special someone and put on a movie, It Happened One Night is the one.

Swing Time (Dir. George Stevens, 1936): Don’t shy away from the musical, embrace it. Trust me. Some may approach the musical like a three headed beast that spits venom into your soul, but it’s more like a heating pad. You secretly like the idea of it, but can’t bring yourself to try it out. But, when you do, it takes your worries away even if for a short time. Well, here is your chance. While I have a special place in my heart for the high production MGM-type musicals, it’s an earlier film like Swing Time that showcases the true charm that initially had everyone hooked.

The story is something we encounter basically everyday in our life: Your Fred Astaire. You show up late for your wedding and your bride’s asshole father wants you to raise 25,000 dollars in order to show you really mean it. So, you attempt to do that, while of course dancing and singing the shit out of everyone. In the mean time, you meet a dance instructor played by Ginger Rogers and see the light. Now, together, you can sing and dance the shit out of everyone.

The ridiculous plot is easily overlooked due to the unforgettable songs, incredible dance routines, and overall charm that will have you smiling the whole time. If not, you probably had the damn thing on mute.

Bringing Up Baby (Dir. Howard Hawks, 1938): Director Howard Hawks could do it all. He could make an excellent film regardless of genre: western (Rio Bravo), film noir (The Big Sleep), and crime (Scarface. No, not that one. The original. Put your Tony Montana money clip away and stop getting excited) among many others. Howard Hawks could also pat his head and rub his belly at the same time but never quite got enough credit for that.

Like Frank Capra, he was also an expert at the screwball comedy. Bringing Up Baby might be one of the zaniest ones of all. Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant get involved in something that involves a palaeontologist, heiress, and a leopard. Yup, really. You can of course guess what will happen at the end, but it’s the dynamic duo and everything else before that make it all worth it.

The Rules of the Game (Dir. Jean Renoir, 1939): This 1939 french film about the rich and the poor in the country sounds like something you may barf on while you are flipping the channels and hit Hallmark. Save that barf for another time. The Rules of the Game combines it all: comedy, tragic drama, MURDER, and romantic entanglements all presented with Jean Renoir’s unique direction that showed how effective deep focus could be for the audience, letting everyone be aware of not only what is right in front of us but everything that surrounds.

1940s

His Girl Friday (Dir. Howard Hawks, 1940): Quite possibly the most underrated film of all time. Sure, the movie about a witty as hell reporter trying go get his ex-wife back is truly loved by the fans and is adored by critics. It’s in the United States National Film Registry and the list for best American comedies from the AFI, but it deserves even more credit. Here we are again with Cary Grant in another Howard Hawks screwball comedy, but it’s not just “another” anything. It’s not just one of the best comedies, but one of the most entertaining films to ever grace the big screen. The rapid fire dialogue that seems to naturally spew from their mouths creates banter between Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell that could only be matched in your dreams (assuming you dream about Cary Grant. I do).

Shadow of a Doubt (Dir. Alfred Hitchcock, 1944): Once again with the underrated. It may not be Alfred Hitchcock’s most well known film of the decade and definitely not of his collective career, but Shadow of a Doubt was always held in highest regards by me. Part mystery, psychological, and thriller, Shadow of a Doubt is a dark look at just how fucking scary human nature can really be.

Usually it’s really awesome when your uncle comes to town, but things get a little weird when one gets news your uncle is one of the suspects in the “Merry Widow Murderer” case. That usually mixes affairs up a bit. Everyone from Joseph Cotten as Uncle Charlie, Teresa Wright as his niece, and every supporting character make the film as good as it could have possibly been.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (Dir. John Huston, 1948): While John Huston left his mark with The Maltese Falcon, it’s The Treasure of the Sierra Madre that always remained my favorite. Huston always had a boner for people setting out on a quest for what they don’t have, whether it be wealth or treasure, and none of his films were truly more enjoyable. It’s pretty simple: two poor dudes and an old timer with a wicked beard set out for, you guessed it, the closest Sonic. They had always seen the commercials, but had to know that it existed. Oh…sorry. That was my own screenplay actually.

So, they set out for the ever elusive treasure in the Sierra Madre Mountains, and hilarity definitely doesn’t ensue. As thrilling and exciting as any adventure could be, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre doubles as a legitimate character study on what happens when you let greed take over you. It is also an intense study on awesome a beard can be.

The Philadelphia Story (Dir. George Cukor, 1940): Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and James Stewart in one movie? Yes. It’s weird to think that this film was Hepburn’s comeback after a string of box office flops, but this absolutely hilarious and elegant romantic comedy is yet another classic that can be re-watched again and again over the years and never lose its charm. Like any of the comedies on this list, this film can be quoted to your friends and family till they kick you in your face.

Casablanca (Dir. Michael Curtiz, 1942): It may seem cliche to describe this wartime romance  as being the pinnacle of Hollywood cinema, but it has gained the reputation for a very good reason. Blending everything from romance to suspense and more, Casablanca is the film that every other movie wants to be: seemingly perfect without actually trying. Casablanca isn’t a masterpiece because it tries to be, it just is.

Arsenic and Old Lace (Dir. Frank Capra, 1944): The mix of Cary Grant, Frank Capra, and comedy can do no wrong. Arsenic and Old Lace proves to be different with a darker (although just as funny) twist.

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This is a work in progress so the rest of the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s,  1980s, 1990s, and 2000s coming soon. Here is a look at what is coming up next:

1950s

Sunset Boulevard (Dir. Billy Wilder, 1950)

An Affair to Remember (Dir.Leo McCarey, 1957)

Forbidden Games (Dir. Rene Clement, 1952)

Wild Strawberries (Dir. Ingmar Bergman, 1957)

The Quiet Man (Dir. John Ford, 1952)

Vertigo (Dir. Alfred Hitchcock, 1958)

Roman Holiday (Dir. William Wyler, 1953)

The next movie in the Saw series…Saw VII: When they finally run out of ideas. I recommend playing it full screen (easier to read text) and having the sound way up.

Click “read the rest of this entry” to see the video.

Comments below, as always, are welcome.

It’s not easy being a kid. Sometimes, your brother steals your Humpty Dumpty stuffed egg and tells you that he “fried him” and then proceeds to kill him for a second time by hanging him from a rope in the garage.

Thinking back on it, I can’t even remember what I did to make him do this. It’s very possible that I had done nothing and my brother was just gearing up for his teenage years full of angst, wearing hoodies, confusion, and more hoodies. For my brother, me, or anyone,  it’s never easy being a kid. Sometimes, the only right thing to do is to put a lighter to the face of a stuffed egg.

“Andrewwww. Save me!”

I couldn’t, Humpty, I just couldn’t. It was too late. After the massacre of the egg, Humpty was put into surgery at the hands of Dr. Mommy but everyone knew he’d never really be the same. In the post-surgery years, Humpty kept to himself, a shell of his former outgoing and noble self that would protect me during the scary nights. Now, he never moved from the spot near my pillow and almost never spoke again and when he did, his newly formed speech impediment made it almost impossible to understand him. By the time he died a few years later, we all knew it was coming. Drinking himself into a drunken stupor almost every night and medicating himself on pain killers that were supposedly for “broken emotions,” the autopsy revealed that at the time of his death, his brain was nothing more than burnt home fries and ketchup.

Humpty meant the world to me and now he was dead…for the third time. Once again, I can’t even remember what I did to make my brother so mad. Really, it’s not easy being a kid. You’re in-between the years of being an innocent baby and the teenage years when it suddenly dawns on you that your parents are dicks because they won’t let you go to the mall with your friends and you hold a decade long grudge. In these transition years, things may start to get confusing. We are curious about everything but can’t understand it all. Things that might mean nothing mean everything and emotions are heightened and running wild. We may feel alone, but we are loved, even if we don’t always see it.

Young Max from Where the Wild Things Are sure can relate. Acting out and emotional as hell, little Max runs away from his mother and sister. Soon enough, he finds himself in the land of the wild things. From the opening credits to the final shot, Where the Wild Things had me amazed. Sure, the beloved book was one of my favorites as a child. Short but imaginative, it was a wonderful and effective read. The movie, however, is something on a whole other level. What could have been a play-it-safe version was flipped upside down by director Spike Jonze. Like when I saw the Michael Gondry directed/Charlie Kaufman written Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in 2004, I was in awe of not only how daring the movie was but also how it all clicked. Every single aspect worked.It shouldn’t have, but it did.

Where the Wild Things is no different. While the pacing and dark tone could definitely throw off kids and even some adults, it’s the bold and daring total package that puts this movie in the realm of that unexpected but incredible movie you see every so often. Like Eternal Sunshine, Where the Wild Things Are seems like an experiment gone right:

-The combination of the performances that may seem odd on paper but end up outstanding (James Gandolfini for example)

-An unconventional twist to a normal theme

-A perfect score from Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

-beautiful visuals that truly make a fantasy world come to life whether it’s the overall look of the film or the creature designs by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop

-Any movie with a Six Feet Under cast member (in this instance, Lauren Ambrose. Catherine O’Hara as well) gets a thumbs up in my book. I haven’t published this book yet, but it’s half pop-up and choose your own adventure. Coming Spring 2010.

So, to some, it may be too melancholy, weird, boring, and slow.  To others, it may have more heart than any other movie this year and you may want to eat it up, you love it so. Either way, you might as well take your chances on something a little different and wild. It’s much more satisfying than seeing something else next weekend where you’ll end up feeling you have seen it 1000 times before. Well, in the case of Saw VI, you’ve actually seen it five times already.

Grade: A

Like your own stepfather, The Stepfather is an awkward piece of shit that wants you to like it, but  instead ends up being a poor substitute for every other single thing in life that can bring  joy.

Let’s see what redeeming qualities The Stepfather actually has:

Scary moments? Not at all. When you can easily tell what is going to happen, the character of the stepfather doesn’t come off scary but more like a really big asshole with some issues he seriously needs to work out.

Suspense? His interactions with other characters between the murders don’t build up tension so that by the time anyone is going to actually die, nothing comes as a surprise or really means anything at all. Like a hooker with a peach fuzz mustache and a beer belly jumping out of a cake on your birthday, you’re going to be disappointed. Unless that’s your thing, then you might actually like The Stepfather.

Ok, so there is no suspense or scary moments. There has to be something good about the movie, right? Wrong, again. Dylan Walsh as the stepfather is a dick. A dick that kills people. That’s it.

Sadly, The Stepfather is a step backwards in the horror genre. It isn’t fun like the recent Drag Me to Hell or actually scary like The Strangers. It is instead predictable and poorly done trash that won’t entertain adults and might actually have the 13 year olds wishing they had snuck into that R-rated movie after all.

If awkward conversations with an angry dick that sometimes acts like a real jerk and kills people  is your thing, then by all means see The Stepfather. For everyone else, rent the original 1987 version of The Stepfather starring Terry O’Quinn (John Locke from Lost). It has two things going for it: it’s not The Stepfather from 2009 and it’s fucking Locke. How could you not like it?

Grade: D

Surprisingly, Couples Retreat was actually funny. Then the movie went on for another hour and fifty minutes or so.

Like the underwhelming Year One from earlier this year, Couples Retreat has the cast and premise for an end product that could have actually been funny. In the end, the talented cast was outdone by the on-screen child of Vince Vaughn who stands out by saying a few one-liners and taking a shit at one point. Yup. That was actually the best part of the movie…one liners and shit.

The rest of the movie? A repetitive unfunny mess that tries to be amusing until finally giving up and trying to deliver a “serious” message that I’m pretty sure is, “don’t worry about making an entertaining or funny movie for others as long as you have fun making the movie in a tropical paradise and goofing off with your actor friends!”

Couples Retreat is like the Oceans Twelve of comedies. I’m sure George Clooney and Brad Pitt were really smooth and awesome between takes on Oceans Twelve, drinking and smoking cigars while telling sexy and hilarious stories about the pranks they played on Matt Damon and Bernie Mac the night before, but the movie was awful. Like the funniest scene in Couples Retreat, the movie as a whole was nothing more than shit.

Grade: C-

I think this explains why I liked the movie so much: There are two kinds of movie trailers. The first gives everything away, and I mean everything…including that last dramatic shot of the movie that you know while watching hasn’t come yet and has to be the ending. The second type is the trailer that jumbles dialogue and scenes to make it more appealing, but like a “Next week on 24,” it is misleading and you know that  Jack probably isn’t going to explode, Chloe won’t really choke on that pretzel while typing away on the computer,  and Tony probably won’t use that dildo that is secretly a bomb after all.

There are some previews that are a hybrid of the two, and Zombieland falls more into the misleading category. From the trailer, I was led to think that Zombieland would be action oriented fluff, something  that may be briefly amusing but ultimately a waste of time. I was wrong. Dead wrong. Get it? Anyway, that is what I get for basing the real value of a movie on a measly trailer.

Zombieland is far from something that is only briefly amusing, but a movie that excels with what it does well..which is quite a lot. Simply put, I actually cared about the characters and what was happening. It could be said for any movie, of course, but especially for anything with any sort of gimmick-zombies or something that could cause the end of the world-you must care about what is going on. Action, suspense, special effects, etc. mean nothing if you the characters and their stories mean nothing as well (hi there, Transformers).

As for the zombies, there is a lot of fun involving them but fortunately they aren’t the focus. There are stretches of time in the movie where you almost have to be reminded that there are indeed zombies all around. This isn’t a bad thing because non-stop meaningless nothing is replaced by an actual story with developing characters. Who knew Zombieland could have so much charm?

So, please, don’t worry, Zombieland isn’t some super serious character study, but it is a huge plus to have people and situations we can actually care about. It only adds to the witty, well-written, and often laugh out loud side of the movie that doesn’t restrict itself to being one dimensional. Zombieland may not take itself too seriously but it is however seriously fun, funny, and somehow quite charming.

Grade: B+

A movie like (500) Days of Summer is something of a rarity these days.

Like Annie Hall for a new generation, it’s a romantic comedy (or dramedy  if you will) that shows how-for a lack of a better phrase-liking someone doesn’t always quite work out the way we want. Instead of being a ridiculous mess of melodrama, (500) Days of Summer is a real and honest look at the reality of a relationship. Sometimes, what really happens to us when we persue someone can be a whole lot more complicated than making a determined face as you run through an airport with five minutes left in the movie.

Unlike Richard fuckin’ Gere, we don’t always get the girl. In (500) Days of Summer, there aren’t any redepmtion speches, Hugh Grant saying something annoying (So, Hugh Grant doesn’t speak), Or Julia Roberts thinking she is a whole lot better looking than she actually is. I’m also not ruining anything when I say the plot doesn’t go like:

1) Boy meets girl. They sooo don’t like each other. But why not? They both have so much in common like being good looking and probably starring in at least one movie with Clint Howard.

2) They have to spend time together for some reason. They…oh my god…start liking each other!? This can’t be.

3) Something happens. Why oh why did this happen? Now they can’t be together.

4) Who are they kidding!? They are perfect for each other. Last second speech and the movie is over.

Instead, (500) Days of Summer is a refreshing and original look at something we thought we’ve seen so many times before. It doesn’t hurt that the movie does everything perfectly. While some “romantic” movies may simply try and entertain you and others really lead you on to believe that everything is going to be ok…just give us 91 minutes to show you, it’s a movie like (500) Days of Summer that is more like real life and in turn makes everything romantic more romantic, the funny stuff more funny, and the sad really damn sad. But, also like real life, we can choose to remember the bad or the good but without both we wouldn’t really be able to experience or understand either. And, in turn, all of this makes everything we are seeing hit us a bit harder and letting us feel for these characters and their situations.

If you are still reading this review and not too busy thinking about the one guy or girl that got way, I’ll happily wrap things up and tell you that (500) Days of Summer truly has it all. The perfomances of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the cute as the cutest button Zooey Deschanel are a perfect match for the witty and true-to-life script. First time feature length director Marc Webb doesn’t let the camera sit there like we are a fly on the wall but uses every technique at his disposal to keep things fresh and interesting.

You may leave the theater extremely happy or extremely sad, but I couldn’t help but walk out of this bittersweet tale thinking that it was easily the best movie of the year, so far.

Grade: A

As a result of never paying that close attention to the previews of District 9 and never researching anything beyond who was involved in making the film, I had no clue what I was getting myself into. While on the way to theater, I couldn’t help but think about two things.

1) “How come my new netflix movies didn’t come today? They were supposed to. I hate when this happens.”

2) What is this movie even going to be like? There are aliens and a guy with a cool accent and  a mustache. I know this much” I said to myself. But, since this is sadly what most of my dreams are like at night, I wasn’t sure if I was even in the mood to see the movie.

——–

By the end of the film, I was more than surprised. Considering the premise, District 9 had all the elements of being a movie directed by that dick who made The Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day. It could have had a bloated budget used on the paychecks of actors and special effects that whispered “this is all style and no substance” everytime something exploded and someone cracked a one-liner. Thankfully, District 9 is so much more.

When District 9 gets good, it gets really good. Like the recent Star Trek, you don’t have to have a PHD in sci-fi movies to get hooked. With terrific suspense and some thrilling sequences, District 9 did a mostly great job of combining characters and a backstory with the visual aspect without letting one get ahead of the other. So, basically, like any good movie, what we are visually seeing (“that gun is so cool!” or “that alien is soOOoOO scary!”) is just as compelling as why any of this is happening.

There are times when this scale does tend to lean towards the visual side like the final (and probably weakest) act. But, even the “ok let’s just make everything explode” mentality in the final shootout can’t take away from the fact that District 9 is one of the most unique, sometimes unsettling, but ultimately fun experiences you could have at the theater this year.

Grade: B+

Movie math:

Fairly good special effects – not so good special effects sometimes + Ecko from Lost – the “nah man, it’s cool. I fuckin’ got this yo” ghetto white kid from Coach Carter who plays the same damn person he always does, except this time he has a gun + ?????? = profit

Like 1997′s Batman & Robin, G.I. Joe. isn’t quite a movie or anything coherent as much as it is a combination of awful one liners, bizarre dialogue and sub plots, and CGI special effects with varying quality edited together. I understand this is a pure summer popcorn flick, but at 118 minutes, G.I. Joe really pushes how much “Holy SHIT! Did he just say a one liner before making something explode!?!?” someone could possibly take.

They might not have set out to win any awards, but G.I. Joe still somehow reaches the bottom of the “leave your brain at the door” type movies.

Grade: D

The 2000s have been very kind to Adam Sandler. Well, his bank account at least. In terms of quality material, it’s a different story.

While he was able to expand upon the more serious role in 99′s Big Daddy with some great performances in the excellent Punch Drunk Love and satisfying Reign Over Me, he’s also resorted to gimmicky comedy after comedy that most of the time ended up being about as funny as Charlie Sheen outtakes from Two and a Half Men mixed with “fan favorite” episodes of the shitcom Will & Grace.

Not pictured: something funny

For every person that has always hated the guy, there is another who misses the Adam Sandler from the 90s. The Saturday Night Live, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Airheads, They’re All Gonna Laugh at You, What the Hell Happened to Me Adam Sandler. The good news is that Funny People uses his talents wisely. Because he’s essentially playing a variation of himself, his character can mix the charmingly obnoxious old Adam Sandler with the seriously good serious actor. But, when Funny People stumbles, it’s not because of the actors or their performances, but instead of where the script goes.

For the first hour and a half or so, Funny People cruises along as being  possibly one of the best movies of the year.  The comedy ranges from clever and smart to simply stupid…but mostly always funny. As for the dramatic elements, the characters and their actions seem sincere.  And, just like The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up (and the incredible TV show Freaks & Geeks), it’s not just the gags and jokes that make us love what we are seeing, but a combination of everything and everyone, the darker aspects included.

But, as if Judd Apatow couldn’t quite decide on what he wanted to have in the script,  it is like he instead included everything he could think of resulting in an overlong movie that at about an hour and a half in, begins to wander around aimlessly never again reaching the greatness that the movie promised earlier. Like The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up, I’m sure an “unrated” dvd version will come out with an even longer length making Funny People somehow just as long as The Godfather Part II.

With that said, the third act doesn’t make the whole movie bad. But, given all the talent included, Funny People is a good-sometimes very good movie- that could have been great.  Apatow is branching out and while this may not be his Annie Hall/turning point in his career, it’s an impressive start.  There will come a time (or maybe it is already here) when Apatow’s career will mirror Woody Allen’s post-Annie Hall career and people will long for the days of the “earlier funny” movies. But, as funny as they are, Woody never became my favorite writer/director because of Bananas, Take the Money and Run,  Love and Death, Sleeper, etc. They are hysterical  and perfect comedies, but it was when he started getting serious about life, love, and the human condition-whether it be the darker side or more comedic-that Woody reached his potential. Hopefully, Judd Apatow can too.

Grade: B

Talk about all style and no substance. It’s a Michael Mann movie but still…at 2 hours and 20 minutes, Public Enemies pushes the boundaries of how much “cool” stuff I could possibly take without any real payoff. Johnny Depp, we get it, man. You’re cool. Christian Bale, we get it, man. You’re extremely serious and in the case of this movie, extremely boring. If everybody in the whole damn movie wasn’t firing a  loud as hell gun in every single fucking scene, I may have fallen asleep.

Sorry Christian, but after being in some great films in the 2000′s, you’re 0/2 with post Dark Knight movies. Keep up the same quality of your movies and you’ll be releasing your own straight-to-dvd action disasters in no time. Should I give Wesley Snipes your number? Just kidding. I don’t talk to that jerk anymore.

There is a very good chance that if I ever see this movie again, I just might like it more. The film already had one very big strike against it: my friend who recently broke a toe had his disgusting and smelly bandaged mess of a foot right next to me. Nothing in this world should smell like salt and pepper, pee, blood,  despair, and a hospital hallway all at the same time.

There is always the chance that I’ll see the movie again and think the same damn thing: there  are more bullets and death than interesting situations or characters. During the movie I kept thinking about how I don’t really care about any of the characters and what was happening to them.

From the first viewing, my final word is that while the whole production might seem cool on the outside,  but once you peel back the layers, you are left with nothing but the smoke from the guns and a whole lot of emptiness. Public Enemies, sadly,  had potential that was ultimately wasted.

Grade: C

The night I saw this movie, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. While drawing the scar on my head with a sharpie, adjusting my wizard hat, and burning an extra copy of the Draco and the Malfoys CD for my car…I honestly peed myself just a little in anticipation. Not so much that anyone would really notice, but just enough.

Okay, none of that was true (except for the peeing part. I have a problem and I desperately need help). Regarding the movie, I was semi-excited to see it. It seems like with every great scene, sub-plot, or character in a Harry Potter movie, a ridiculous one  follows and this trend continues throughout the series. Also, throw in the fact that in the past five movies there have been four different directors with their own respective styles with varying results.  All of this has made the series, as a whole,  seem quite uneven (while I do think that the good does outweigh the bad).

David Yates got his turn to direct with the last installment and thankfully has returned for Half-Blood Prince. Without a doubt, he is best suited for the series and if the 7th and final film (split into two parts) is just as good, the series will end on a much higher note than the first two movies (which weren’t awful, just not anything too great…especially when compared to the books that deserve the praise they get, of course).

In all aspects, Half-Blood Prince works better as a movie than any of the previous installments. Visually, it definitely looks the best. I am not the biggest fan of CGI, but it seems like the visual effects simply seem-because I can’t think of a better way to phrase it -not distracting like usual but pretty damn cool.

As for the story and the characters, it seems their own problems don’t end up on the back burner while the special effects act, you know, dazzling and special. One major problem I’ve had with the movies is that unlike the books…the characters and their problems seemed, in a way, less important. Finally, the style seems equal with the substance.

Grade: B+